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Fundraising Tuesday: Making a First Impression

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There’s an old saying: “You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.” Nowhere does that saying apply more than when you write a fundraising appeal letter.

Whether the donor even opens the letter depends on the envelope. Whether they give it a second glance depends on whether or not you get the name right–and what you say in the postscript–and whether you’ve made the letter easy to read.

Now, let’s say they start to read those words you, the writer, thought about so long, and worked and worked to get just right.

If the first sentence of your appeal letter doesn't compel your donor to read on, you may just have wasted your time sending it. Share on X

And that would be a shame! So, what can you do in the very first sentence of your fundraising appeal to spur your potential donor to read the rest, and donate?

First Sentences That Pull Donors In

Here are the first sentences of some fundraising appeals I received recently that made me read the rest of the letter:

It wasn’t Mai’s decision to call the police. (RESPOND, an agency working to end domestic violence)

In a few weeks, a high-priced team of lawyers will ask the Supreme Court to stop you from helping farm workers. (United Farm Workers)

Imagine you are 15 years old and you woke up this morning as your detention center roommate was being rushed to the hospital with a fever, sore throat, and a raspy cough.  (The Sentencing Project)

$15 doesn’t sound like much, I know. It could buy a nice lunch or a few fancy coffees…or it could provide emergency relief, lifesaving medical treatment, clean water and sanitation…right now. (International Medical Corps)

It’s personal. (Community Cooks)

It’s just an “LGBTQ Safe Zone” sticker. Yet, when you put it up in your synagogue, JCC, day school, or other communal space, you just might change the world. (Keshet, for LGBTQ equality in Jewish life)

Maria left an unsafe home and a volatile relationship and found her way to a shelter in Cambridge earlier this year. (Second Chances)

How many times have you seen a homeless woman on the street, and passed by with neither of you any better off? (On the Rise)

How a Great First Sentence Works

If you’re like me, you receive dozens of appeal letters over the course of a year. What was it about these examples that caught my eye and made me want to know more?

  1. Story. The first sentences in the letters from RESPOND and Second Chances put me right into the middle of the action. As a reader, I had to find out what happened next.
  2. Surprise. The International Medical Corps and Keshet spotlighted a small action I could take that could have a dramatic result.
  3. High stakes. The Sentencing Project made me imagine a teenager who could be getting Covid-19, a matter of life and death.
  4. Emotion. Some of these letters frightened me. Some inspired me. Some made me discontent with the way things are now. Some made me smile at the thought of how things could be.
  5. The letter was about me…and someone who needs help.
    • The UFW got me to bristle at the thought of “high-priced lawyers” taking away my right to give.
    • On the Rise made me think about how it would feel to have a genuine relationship with that woman on the street.
    • Community Cooks captured the essence of why most people donate: because it’s personal.

Notice what these first sentences didn’t do

All these first sentences avoided the deadly weaknesses that send so many appeal letters to the recycling bin, unread and unanswered.

They didn’t speak in generalities, but got down to cases.

They didn’t talk about what matters to the organization: the fiscal year coming to an end, or a budget that has to be balanced, for instance. In fact, they didn’t mention the organization at all.

Instead, all of them pinpointed what would matter to me, the donor. They literally put me first.

Two Ways to Make a Good First Impression with Your Next Appeal Letter

When do you write your next fundraising appeal letter? Maybe you’re working on it right now. Here are two things you can do make that first sentence a winner.

Find it in what you’ve already written. Take a look at your current draft. Are the first few sentences (or paragraphs!) humdrum? Did it take you a while to get to the part that’s going to be exciting to the donor? Then you can either move the exciting part ahead of routine part,  up to the first sentence–or just cut the beginning you have now and begin with what the donor will want to hear.

Write the first sentence last. If you’ve got a lot of good material but nothing to make the donor have to read it, put yourself in the mind of the person who’s picking up your letter in the mail. What is there about what you’re saying that you can say simply, briefly, in an exciting way?

Make that the first sentence, before it goes in the mail. You’ll make a good first impression–and more money for your cause.

Fundraising Tuesday: P.S., I Love You

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As I write this letter
Send my love to you…

(The Beatles, “P.S. I Love You”)

Once your donor opens the envelope, the postscript is the most important part of your appeal letter to get right–if you want the rest of the letter to be read at all!

My Favorite Postscript of 2019

I’ve been going through the appeal letters I received in the mail in the last couple of months of 2019. Here’s my favorite P.S., from a local charity, Community Cooks, run by my friend Daniele Levine:

P.S. You make it all possible! Will you give as generously as you can now, so 61,000 neighbors can sit down to a welcoming meal this year without worrying about how they’ll feed themselves or their children? Go to communitycooks.org/give or mail your gift in the enclosed envelope. Thank you!

What’s to like about this P.S. ?

  • The “You” focus makes it sound personal and urgent.
  • “Sit down to a welcoming meal.” That’s specific.
  • “61,000 neighbors.” That’s some impact for my dollar!
  • “Without worrying” draws me in and makes me feel connected to the people I’m feeding.
  • “Thank you.” You can never say thanks often enough!

I do have a couple of ideas for improving this PS.

  • “Thank you in advance” is a magic phrase in my book of fundraising spells, because it expresses gratitude without taking the donor off the hook. I would use that instead of just “thank you.”
  • Ideally, the letter would tell the story of just one family whose whole year was saved because of meals that your donations provided. Then, the PS could harken back to that family, by name.

Ways to Use a P.S. to Increase Donations

I saw a number of different ways that nonprofit organizations wrote postscripts to their appeal letters. All of them have some value.

Say what happens when you give

You can change the course of a student’s life for the better by giving today! Your gift will provide healthy means, early education, and afterschool care to families in our community.

With your renewed support, more patients will receive compassionate, innovative, cutting-edge care when and where they need it. Thank you for making a gift today.

Please send your gift now. Help us to provide the evidence and advocacy to build a just and equitable criminal justice system.

Show the impact on a real person’s life

This year, Sophia and her 27 fellow peer leaders completed our train-the-trainer curriculum and trained 557 youth on workplace violence/ de-escalation, sexual harassment in the workplace, safety and health, and environmental hazards in schools! {Note: this would have been stronger if it focused on just Sophia]

Your last gift of $50 made such a difference. By renewing your support, you will change more lives like Rochelle’s and give a special gift to patients spending the holidays in the hospital. We can’t thank you enough.

Give something tangible to the donor

Some organizations used the P.S. to call attention to a premium they were giving me for giving: address labels, cards, a bumper sticker, a notepad. The Arthritis Foundation offered me a free pedometer. That’s on brand.

Strike board game

My favorite P.S. that promised me a freebie came from the Jobs With Justice Education Fund:

If you donate $85 or more, you will become eligible to receive a FREE new copy of our upcoming board game STRIKE! The Game of Worker Rebellion, to be released in March 2020, as our special thank you for elevating your support to the movement.

Now, that’s really on brand! And every time I would play the game, I’d remember that I gave (and talk about it with the friends playing the game, too!)

Give something emotional to the donor

The problem with giving things to a donor is that they may come to believe they donated just to get the thing. The more attractive the premium, the more likely they are to think their attachment is to that object–not to your mission.

Giving the donor an emotional experience makes them more likely to realize they gave because you and they share a commitment to the cause!

I’ve enclosed pictures of the Alvarez family. Take note of the beautiful photograph of Anthony, the neighbor boy who lost his parents yet found a home with this deeply hopeful family–all because Heifer supporters like you gave them a chance. Thank you. And please accept my very best wishes for a joyous holiday season.

This month, please keep your eye out for emails from myself and other Palestine refugees in the US who have benefited from UNRWA’s services and who now contribute to our broader American community as proud architects, doctors, engineers, and local leaders.

Ms. Fischman, thank you for your continued support. If you have any questions, please call our individual gifts officer, Joyce ____, on her direct line at _____________.

Stories of poverty can leave us angry, sad, and feeling powerless. But stories of overcoming poverty can inspire tremendous compassion. Please make ending poverty a reality by supporting us again today.

P.S. to This Blog Post

“Over 90 percent of readers read the PS before the letter. It is the first paragraph, not the last.” -Siegfried Vogele

Show the love to that 90 percent of readers. Make sure the postscript in your next appeal is worth reading!

Fundraising Tuesday: 7 Reasons You Don’t Get Enough Donations

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Donations by mailFrom November through December 2016, I received fundraising appeals through the mail from more than 100 nonprofit organizations. About half the organizations sent more than one e letter to my wife and me asking for donations. I spent a morning looking through each and every one of them.

Friends, we have to do better. And we can.

If you didn’t get as many donations as you wanted to this year, here’s how to do better in 2017.

7 Reasons You’re Not Getting Enough Donations (and what you can do about it)

1) You’re starting your letter “Dear Friend.”  A third of the letters I received called me Friend or Supporter–or didn’t call me anything at all.  Wrong!

As fundraising expert Gail Perry says, “Your donor expects that you know her name and who she is, since she’s been sending you money for a while!”  Fix this by using a good database and adding a First Name mail merge field to your appeal letter.

2) You’re mainly talking about your organization. Three-quarters of the letters were in French: they said “we, we, we.” But that’s making your organization the hero of the story!

As Seth Godin has pointed out, in a good appeal letter, the donor is the hero of the story.  That’s why they give. Fix this by talking about how the donors are helping to right wrongs, save lives, or help people.

3) You’re not telling an “impact story.”  There are six types of stories that nonprofits should tell. In your appeal letter, you should tell an impact story, showing how the donors’ contribution makes a difference.  42 out of the  letters I received told just the facts, ma’am. Another 32 included a brief quotation from a client, or a general anecdote about a client, and how the agency helped them.

These letters blur on me. They all sound alike. Fix this by telling a compelling story about one person whose life is better because the donor helped.

4) You’re not including a photo. People are becoming more visually oriented, and a photo helps your appeal stand out. Yet 44 of 106 letters I received were text only! Another 27 included blurry black-and-white photos, or nice color photos that added nothing to the message.

Fix this by taking striking photos of people in action throughout the year. Then you won’t have to scramble for a picture in December.

5) You’re not letting me know you appreciate what I already gave.  This, I find really shocking: nine out of ten appeal letters used exactly the same language to me that they would use to someone who had never given them a penny! And this has gotten worse since last year–even though the software for tracking your donors has improved.

Fix this by segmenting your list, writing different letters to prospects, lapsed donors, and renewing donors, and acknowledging the date and amount of the previous gift.

6) You’re not personalizing your letters. It used to be a no-brainer for Executive Directors, Development Directors, or Board members who knew the donor to write a personal note on appeal letters. People, we are going in the wrong direction on this! 90 out of 106 letters arrived in my mailbox with no personal touches whatever–even when my wife and I have known the person sending the letter for many years.

Fix this by composing your appeals long enough in advance to add those personal notes…and doing so. (Kudos to the Davis-Putter Scholarship Fund, whose Director wrote by hand, “So grateful for your wonderful, longtime support!” You can count on a renewed gift from the Fischmans. Ditto to the Highlander Center, Community Cooks, the Jewish Labor Committee, and the Somerville Homeless Coalition.)

7) You’re neglecting the power of the postscript. When people read letters, they look at the banner, the salutation, and the first line…and then their eyes jump to the bottom of the page. I’m happy to say that 66 of the letter-writers realized that (even if their P.S. was a bit perfunctory).

As for the 40 of you who didn’t add a postscript, you skipped doing the simplest thing you can do to increase donations! Fix this. Add a postscript unless there’s a really good reason not to.

Want More Donations? Look for Tips on Tuesday

You may be wondering now, “What did our appeal letters look like?” Go back and check your letter. If you made even one of those seven mistakes, you probably left donation money on the table.

How do you write better fundraising letters? I can help.

Between now and Tax Day 2016, read this blog every Tuesday. You will get a no-nonsense, how-to, “do it today” tip on every aspect of your appeal letter, from the salutation to the P.S.

Some of them will be so easy you’ll kick yourself for not doing them before! Some will take a little work–but I will show you how to do them, step by step, with video when necessary.

Look for Tips on Tuesday beginning next week, January 17! (And if you want professional advice uniquely suited to your organizations and its donors, email [email protected].)

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